For Auld Lang Syne

• Should auld acquaintance be forgot
  and never brought to mind?
  
  Should auld acquaintance be forgot
  and days of auld lang syne?





• For auld lang syne, my dear,
  
  for auld lang syne,
  
  we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
  for auld lang syne.





• Should auld acquaintance be forgot
  and never brought to mind?
  
  
  Should auld acquaintance be forgot
  and days of auld lang syne?





• And here's a hand, my trusty friend
  
  And gie's a hand o' thine
  
  We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet
  
  For auld lang syne

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year

I would like to wish you all the best for 2009. May each day of the year be better and happier than the day before.

How Was Your Christmas?

I hope your Christmas celebration was a good one. Ours had its ups and downs. I couldn't celebrate with my family (parents and siblings live too far away), so the wife and I celebrated Christmas day at our nieces along with members from her side. We then celebrated another Christmas get-together on the 28th with my Mother-in-law, one of our sons, his better half, and our grandson. Our oldest couldn't make it though so that was a downer. The worse part was knowing one of our neighbours in our building passed away Christmas eve. It was rough for them (still is) but they are managing. I wish them luck.

I found the following clip and remember when I used to watch it as a youngster. Felt I had to post it as the last Christmas clip of the year.

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The True Meaning Of Christmas

Since this is Christmas day and a great many people tend to forget what we are actually supposed to be celebrating this day, I thought it appropriate to post this little cartoon clip.

Thank you Linus and Merry Christmas everyone.

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas The Night Before Christmas by Clement Moore is "among the best Christmas poems ever". It is equal only to "Yes Virginia, There Is A Santa Claus". Thank you  Johnny Bristol for your interpretation of this classic.

From my home to yours, "Merry Christmas To You All"..

White Christmas

With the way the weather has been going, it seems a little redundant to add the following clip. But, White Christmas with Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and Vera Ellen is my favourite Christmas movie (and it's not being shown this year, dag nab-it) I felt compelled to add the title song here.

Jeff Dunham And Walter

Every year it's the same thing. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? Enough with the "politically correct crap" already. I grew up with Merry Christmas so as Walter says in the clip below, Merry Christmas.

All I Want For Christmas

Well I guess most have heard All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth done by one child singer or another. I found this version by the Disneys Goofy and his son Max.

A Mr. Bean Christmas

One of the funniest characters comedian Rowan Atkinson came up with is the hopeless Mr. Bean. One of Mr. Beans funniest sketches is none other than the Christmas sketch. I would love to get my hands on a turkey like the one in the sketch. The only problem though would be trying to find an oven big enough.

A Hippo For Christmas?

Although I don't ever remember hearing this song, apparently it was a fairly big "novelty" song in the late 50's early 60's. My question is though, "Why would anyone want a hippopotamus for a Christmas present"?

Alvin And The Chipmunks Classic

One week today is Christmas day and I couldn't help but add this video because of the memories it invokes.

Snoopy Had It Right

During the 1960's, there was a group who had limited success with their music. One song they recorded during the Christmas season was Snoopys Christmas. All about hapless Charlie Browns dog and how he and the Red Baron celebrated Christmas.

The Royal Guardsmen and Snoopys Christmas.

Dammit, I'm Vixen

What happens when one of Santas original 8 reindeer loses it and gets mad at Rudolph? He sings a fuuny country and western song and threatens to "kick some reindeer booty". Very funny tune. I hope you enjoy it.

Last Christmas-Crazy Frog

Although I may be in my mid '50's, I can't help admit I do like "Crazy Frog/That Annoying Thing". I thought I can't show funny Christmas videos without at least one with the Frog. Enjoy.

Achmeds Jingle Bombs

If you're familiar with Jeff Dunham, you'll appreciate this Christmas tune.

A Lenny And Squiggy Christmas

If you were a fan of Happy Days (Richie, Fonzie, etc.) and/or its spinoff Laverne And Shirley (have to admit both shows had some great classic rock n' roll), then you should remember the two half-wits Lenny and Squiggy (played terrifically[sp] by David Lander and Michael McKean).

Here is their Christmas song, "Christmas At The Poor-House". By the way, Michael McKean (Lenny) is actually playing the guitar. He was one of the stars of the movie "This Is Spinal Tap".

Christmas Is A-Coming

Growing up, I remember my Mother singing...

• Christmas is a-coming and the geese are getting fat
  Be sure to put a penny in the old mans hat
  If you haven't got a penny then a half-penny* will do
  If you haven't got a half-penny then God bless you

*When my Mother sang it, half-penny sounded like hay-penny

I don't remember the rest but that does bring up the fact that Christmas is close. From now untill Christmas, I will post Christmas related videos. They are mostly music. Some are funny(most are), some are seriously done.

I hope you like the ones I've picked.

The 12 Pains Of Christmas

Brain Differences

The operation was a success. I can now breathe easier and be able to enjoy the Christmas season. Thanks to those who sent e-mails.

---

Everyone knows about the battle of the sexes but now their is a reasonable explanation as to the cause. Enjoy.

Prayers Badly Needed

The following is for a special someone facing life threatening surgery today. We are praying everything works out for the good.

Healing God, when I think of surgery, I am anxious,
but I know that through the skill you have given to the doctors and nurses,
you can bring relief to her body.

Be with the doctors and nurses in your power and wisdom,
and be with her in your love and peace.

Her favourite entertainer.

Here's Lucy

I thought it was time for another t.v. show courtesy of the good people over at  LikeTelevision.com.

This is an episode of "The Lucy Show" with Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance. This episode is entitled "Lucy and Viv Install A Shower". Enjoy.

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What Went Through His Mind?

For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been given and savour the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie. For some, it's a little more complicated.

One October afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me.

"We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looking into the rear view mirror, I could just see the top of her head. "My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.

"Well, yes they do..." I said cautiously.

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home.

Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well.." I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"

Well I didn't know what to say. "Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.

As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway.

I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent.

His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended when I laughed so hard at her drawing, that tears streamed down my cheeks.

But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway.

But I'm not so lucky..

Every year I remember that conversation.

And to be quite honest, I haven't looked at a turkey the same way since.

In Memory Of John

In memory of John Lennon who was killed 28 years ago today. Gone but never forgotten.

A Helping "Hand"?

Every once in awhile, everybody needs a helping hand to get past lifes little struggles. The following clip puts a whole new spin on the "Helping Hand" aspect. Enjoy.

Showering Differences

A lesson on the differences regarding the way women shower and how men shower.

WARNING...Contains adult language....

You May Live In Canada

Canadians as seen through the eyes of Jeff Foxworthy

• If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
  September through May,
  You may live in Canada.




• If someone in a Home Depot store
  Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
  with someone who dialed a wrong number,
  You may live in Canada.




• If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
  South of Detroit for the weekend,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you measure distance in hours,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you know several people
  Who have hit a deer more than once,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
  In the same day and back again,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
  During a raging blizzard without flinching,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you install security lights on your house and garage,
  But leave both unlocked,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you carry jumpers in your car
  And your wife knows how to use them,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you design your kid's Halloween costume
  To fit over a snowsuit,
  You may live in Canada.




• If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
  You're going 90 and everybody is passing you,
  You may live in Canada.




• If driving is better in the winter
  Because the potholes are filled with snow,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you know all 4 seasons:
  Almost winter, winter, still winter,
  And road construction,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you have more miles
  On your snow blower than your car,
  You may live in Canada.




• If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly',
  You may live in Canada.

A 3 Stooges Week Ender

As this is not only the end of the week but also the last "official" working day of November, I thought I would add another show clip here, courtesy of  Like Television.com . This one is the 3 Stooges classic "Disorder In The Court", with Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard.

Hope you enjoy the clip and have a great weekend.

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Classic T.V. Was The Best

One of the things I enjoyed growing up were the television shows that were on at the time. Shows like Gomer Pyle, Gilligans Island, Bonanza, and so on. Much of todays stuff can't hold a candle to the older stuff and with that in mind, I think I'll add a classic t.v. show here every once in a while compliments of  Like Television. com.

The first one is one of my favourites. It's "The Andy Griffith Show" with guests The Dillards and Denver Pyle (Uncle Jesse from Dukes Of Hazzard) as the Darlings. Hope you enjoy it.

LikeTelevision Embed Movies and TV Shows

Smarter Than Your Average Principal

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the
boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

• Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
  
  Harry: '9.'


• Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
  
  Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

• Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
  
  Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


• Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
  
  The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
  
  Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


• Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
  
  Harry: 'Pants.'


• Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
  
  Harry: 'Coconut.'
  
  The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


• Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
  
  The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
  
  Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'


• Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
  
  Harry: 'Shake hands.'
  
  The principal was trembling.


• Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
  
  Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Classroom Funnies

• Teacher:- Mary, go to the map and find North America .
  
  Mary:- Here it is.
  
  Teacher:- Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
  
  Class:- Mary.



---



• Teacher:- Sarah, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
  
  Sarah:- You told me to do it without using tables.



---



• Teacher:- Roy, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
  
  Roy:- K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
  
  Teacher:- No, that's wrong.
  
  Roy:- Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how "I" spell it.



---



• Teacher:- Stan, what is the chemical formula for water?
  
  Stan:- H I J K L M N O.
  
  Teacher:- What are you talking about?
  
  Stan:- Yesterday you said it was H to O.



---



• Teacher:- Wendy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have one hundred years ago.
  
  Wendy:- Me!



---



• Teacher:- Joseph, why do you always get so dirty?
  
  Joseph:- Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.



---



• Teacher:- Jodi, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
  
  Jodi:- I is....
  
  Teacher:- No, Jodi..... Always say, 'I am.'
  
  Jodi:- All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'



---



• Teacher:- George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louann, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
  
  Louann:- Because George still had the axe in his hand.



---



• Teacher:- Now, Allan, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
  
  Allan:- No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.



---



• Teacher:- Ken , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
  
  Ken:- No, sir. It's the same dog.

Don't Forget Your Flu Shot

The first half of this makes sense, but I like the second half better.

• Eat right!- Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.


• Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C


• Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.


• Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.


• Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


• Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.


• Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


• Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach

Think about it...

When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol... Why?

Because... ALCOHOL KILLS GERMS.   So.......

• I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)


• I put lime in my Corona ...(fruit)


• Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)


• Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)


• Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)


• Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My mother always said.....

'A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!'

Christmas, Canadians, And St. Peter

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honour of this holy season" St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven".

The man from Hamilton, Ontario fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said "It represents a candle".

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates" St. Peter said.

The man from Vancouver, B.C. reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're the church bells".

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates".

The man from St. Johns, Newfoundland started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man looked at St. Peter and said, "These are Carols."

Mason Makes His Entrance

What a busy time for us the past few days. First our anniversary (as mentioned in Mondays post) and the topper was the birth of our nieces son.

Mason arrived at MacMaster Hospital at 2:45 P.M. on Tuesday the 18th of November ( and a few days over due) weighing in at 7 pounds 6 ounces. A little brother for Joshua.

Congratulations Brandi and Steve.

Tough Little Boys

During this past weekends anniversary celebration, my brother-in-law (or was it his daughter?) mentioned a song by Gary Allen. Now I'll be the first to admit that I didn't have a clue who Gary Allen was, but it didn't take me long to find out he was a country singer.

I have posted his video below and as a father and grandfather, I can relate to the song. The only difference is I have sons and a grandson but the emotion is still the same. Enjoy.

Still Hurting

On Saturday Nov. 15th, my wife and I celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary and I am still not back to regular mode. I should be fine by Tuesday so this is about all I will be posting here for today.

Thank you.

Bye-Bye Birdie

One of the funniest animations I've seen in some time is also one with a message. It's all about a bunch of birds sitting on a telephone line. When a rather larger bird decides to join them, they turn into snobs (so to speak) and the end result is a hard lesson for them.

Hope you enjoy it.

Jeff Dunham & Walter

In the world of entertainment, one form of act is as old as Methuselah itself. For centuries, people have always been amused at the antics performed by a man (or woman) and their dummy. The ventriliquist has always been a favourite of people of all ages.

Some of the best included Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthey, Paul Winchell and Jerry Mahoney, and Shari Lewis with Lambchop. Over the last few years, a newcomer has climbed the ladder of success with a wide array of characters which include an alian (Peanut), a dead terrorist (Achmed), a jalapeno on a stick, as well as a few others.

His name is Jeff Dunham and my favourite character of his is without a doubt, the irascible, quick-witted Walter. Walter is a retiree who just can't seem to get along with anyone and hates seeing his wife enjoy herself. Here in the following clip is Jeff Dunham and Walter.

Enjoy.

Super Mario Parodies

Everybody knows who "Super Mario" is. I hope you enjoy this clip of Super Mario parodies.

WARNING
Contains some nudity. Don't say I didn't warn you. LOL

Cookie Blues

There is nothing better than sitting on the couch watching your favourite t.v. show while sipping on a coffee and having a few cookies to munch on. I love cookies.

Here is my idea of a pretty good clip. It combines music with cookies.

The Cookie Blues

Airplane

This week I'll be posting some different clips I've found. All are good for a laugh or two. Enjoy.

This first one is a bit of a classic but still funny all the same.

Do You Want To Play A Game?

For those who like to play online games, and who doesn't, there is a site with virtually 1000's of different games for every taste. The site is called  Y8.com and the game below is just one example. One of my favourites is  Governor Of Poker  a Texas Hold'Em poker game.

Deal or No Deal



Click here to play this game

Try Tongue Twisters

Here are a few tongue twisters to try.

1. Try saying "Toy boat" five times very fast


2. I sit upon a slitted sheet, a slitted sheet I sit upon.


3. Seventy salty Swedish seamen saw seven singing sirens serving savory soup on the steam ship Shanghai


4. Say this one fast:
   "One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they felt smart."


5. The soldier's shoulder shook severely.


6. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Don't Buy From MDG

If you've ever seen those ads on tv about buying a computer from some company or other, you'll know what I'm talking about. Take my advice and you will save some money and a lot of aggravation.

DO NOT BUY FROM MDG!!

I saw their ad on the tube and thought it would be an easy way of getting a good computer relatively quick. Big mistake.

I've had this computer (P4, 17" flat-screen monitor, 80 gig HD, 1 gig Ram, CD burner, printer, sub-woofer spkr system, programs out the wahzoo) for just over 3 years and what follows is exactly what happened.

• Computer system arrived(Aug. 2005). Everything was included as per arrangement. Speaker system no good. Parts broken inside and rattling around. Replacement ordered.



• Replacement speaker system arrives. Works great, for six months then dies. Spend $30.00 on new and better set-up (Not from MDG).



• Rebate offered on scanner/copier/printer not honoured, lose out on $100.00. Eighteen months after receiving computer system, needed to purchase new printer. Canon Pixma is great for family photos.



• Has got real noisey the past 6 or 8 months. Makes enough noise, my neighbours in the next apt. have told me they can hear it at night.



• This weekend (Nov 1, 2008), the 17" flat-screen monitor died. Now must use an old used Dell CRT monitor untill I can afford to get flat-screen fixed.



• Unable to add more hard-drives or other pieces of hardware due to the way MDG sets up their systems.

To date, I have paid more than $1,500.00 and still have not finished paying it off.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

I hope you have fun watching the "window video" above and "A Betty Boop Halloween" cartoon.

The Meaning Of Success

• At age 4 success is.......not piddling in your pants.


• At age 12 success is......having friends.


• At age 17 success is..... having a drivers license.


• At age 35 success is......having money.


• At age 50 success is......having money.


• At age 70 success is......having a drivers license.


• At age 75 success is......having friends.


• At age 80 success is......not piddling in your pants.

A Few More Truths

Great Truths Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.


2. Wrinkles don't hurt.


3. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.


4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.


5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.


6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

Great Truths About Growing Old

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.


2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.


3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.


4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
   once got from a roller coaster.


5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.


7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Great Truths Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.


2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.


3. If your sister hits you , don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.


4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.


5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.


6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.


8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.


10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

They Just Keep Getting Strange

Now I've heard everything

TOKYO -

A 43-year-old player in a virtual-world game became so angry about her sudden and unexpected divorce from her online husband that she logged on with his password and killed his digital persona, police said Thursday.

The woman used another player's ID and password to log onto the popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in May, a police official in the northern city of Sapporo said.

Police said the woman admitted to carrying out her cyberspace revenge and has been jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data.

"'I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry,"' the official quoted her as telling investigators.

The woman, a piano teacher, had not plotted any revenge in the real world, the official said.

She has not yet been formally charged. If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison or a fine up to $5,000.

Players in "Maple Story" create and manipulate digital images called "avatars" that represent themselves, while engaging in relationships, social activities and fighting monsters and other obstacles.

In virtual worlds, players often abandon their inhibitions, engaging in activity online that they would never do in the real world. For instance, sex with strangers is a common activity.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married to kill the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his online avatar was dead.

The woman was arrested Wednesday and taken 1,000 kilometres from her home in southern Miyazaki to be detained in Sapporo, where the man lives, the official said.

The police official said he did not know if she was married in the real world.

Bad online behaviour is usually handled within the rules set up by online worlds, which can ban miscreants or take away their virtual possessions.

In recent years, virtual lives have had consequences in the real world.

When bad deeds lead to criminal charges, prosecutors have found a real-world activity to cite - as in this case, in which the woman faces possible charges of illegal computer access.

In August, a woman was charged in Delaware with plotting the real-life abduction of a boyfriend she met through the virtual reality website "Second Life."

In Tokyo, a 16-year-old boy was charged with stealing the ID and password from a fellow player of an online game in order to swindle virtual currency worth $360,000.

Virtual games are popular in Japan, and "Second Life" has drawn a fair number of Japanese participants. They rank third by nationality among users, after Americans and Brazilians.

K.F.C. Had It Right

The Purina Diet

The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to
respond like this?

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things like this to say

Daddy's Little Girl

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden.'

Hamiltons Center Mall Takes A Step Backward

The oldest known enclosed shopping mall in Canada is almost completely gone. Hamiltons Center Mall has been undergoing major renovations for the past few months. It is slated to be completed within the next 2 years. I think it stinks.

The Center Mall was originally an open court mall. You shop in one store, go outside to get to the next store. In the 1960's, common sense took over and all the stores were connected making it one big indoor mall with additions being added over the next few years. Seniors could shop without fear of having been forced out in bad weather.

Flash ahead to 2008 and what happens? New stores are being built closer to Barton and Kenilworth Streets. The original mall is being torn down. You will end up going from store to store outside "again". The developers have taken a giant step backward. Can we say "ASSININE"?

While I wanted to get my chance to say how I felt, I never did. While watching CHCH T.V. 11 news last night, my niece and her daughter ended up on one of their items about the mall. Way to go Jodi.

On-Line Visual DNA Test

I recently had the following sent to me in an e-mail and to be quite honest was a little skeptical. After having it in my in-box for about a week, I decided to give it a try (glad I did). I have posted it here "exactly" as I received it.

This is really neat...try it !

When you click on the link, a series of about 15 pictures will come up.

Click on a photo in that category that appeals to you.

Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on.

Just continue to keep picking.

At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual DNA.... Your choices dictate your profile.

http://DNA.imagini.net/friends

Have fun.

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be called woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

An arm and a leg replied God.

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib....?

And of course the rest is history............!!!!

Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St.. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. .. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


2. .. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. .. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. .. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust


5. .. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,

But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

The Man Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

• Men are NOT mind readers.


• Learn to work the toilet seat. -
  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
  We need it up, you need it down.
  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


• Sunday sports It's like the full moon
  or the changing of the tides.
  Let it be.


• Crying is a form of blackmail.


• Ask for what you want.
  Let us be clear on this one:-
  Subtle hints do not work!
  Strong hints do not work!
  Obvious hints do not work!
  Just say it!


• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


• If you think you're fat, you probably are.
  Don't ask us, "Does this make me look fat?".


• If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


• You can either ask us to do something
  Or tell us how you want it done.
  Not both.
  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


• Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


• Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


• ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


• If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.


• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, fishing, or
  NASCAR.


• You have enough clothes.


• You have too many shoes.


• I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
  
• Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Salute to a Brave and Modest Nation

Until the deaths of Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan , probably
almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian
troops are deployed in the region. And as always Canada will bury its
dead, just as the rest of the world, as always will forget its
sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.

It seems that Canada 's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid
both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis
is over, to be well and truly ignored.

Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall,
waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out,
she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers
serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing
resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once
helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet
again.

That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent
with the United States , and for being a selfless friend of Britain in
two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in
two different directions: it seemed to be a part of the old world, yet
had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it
never fully got the gratitude it deserved. Yet its purely voluntary
contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the
greatest of any democracy.

Almost 10% of Canada 's entire population of seven million people served
in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died.
The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops,
perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.

Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, it's
unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular Memory as
somehow or other the work of the 'British.'

The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war
with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the
Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships
participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian
soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the
third-largest navy and the fourth-largest air force in the world.

The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had
the previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged
in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a
campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a
touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since abandoned,
as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.

So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood
keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary
Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William
Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter
and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and
Christopher Plummer, British.

It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be
Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian
as a moose, or Celine Dion....

Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements
of it's sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely
unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are
unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided
10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past
half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39
missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from
Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular on-Canadian
imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia , in which out-of-control
paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then
disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for
which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless
friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan ? Rather
like Cyrano de Bergerac , Canada repeatedly does honourable things for
honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains
something of a figure of fun.

It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such
honour comes at a high cost. This past year more grieving Canadian
families knew that cost all too tragically well.

---

The above was e-mailed to me over the weekend and while I tried to confirm it as an actual newspaper article (as I was led to believe), I couldn't find any existance of it's authenticity. If the author wishes it removed or have it recognized as their body of work, just email me. It is a nice piece of work.

Who Needs An Election?

Dion, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Dion turns to Harper and says, chuckling,

'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.'

Harper shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.' Not to be outdone,

Layton says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant asses back there.

I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy.'

The Truth In Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has dirtied his diaper so he goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.?

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Pocket Tazer Perils

A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a "Pocket Tazer Stun Gun" for their anniversary submitted this to the company:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-
second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't
do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt
all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

'Nuff Said

I Just wish I had quit earlier. Going on 3 years now.

No comments:

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

While the following was written with an American perspective, it also works from a Canadian perspective, with a couple of minor changes of course.

Scenario:

Jack goes quail hunting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun,
goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in
for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.
Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:

Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.
Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state
because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,
goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.
Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers
being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.
Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system
and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list
and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This shows how stupid we have become!

Think about it!

PA SLEEPS NAKED

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault this time,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree; out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.

Last night, when Daddy hear a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

'Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!'

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled. Then he stuck that double barreled 12 Gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on
plumb helpless; old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!

'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!'

Candi Werx Grand Opening

In a world where everything is run by chain stores these days, it's nice when you find one of those little specialty stores. It's even nicer when the specialty store just happens to stock one of your favourite items. Candy.

Recently, a friend of mine opened her store in west Hamilton called  Candi Werx . While Jules does have a stall at the Hamilton Farmers Market at 55 York Blvd., it's a little small space wise and the new store at 782 King Street West is just what was needed for the ever expanding stock for all tastes.

There are items for diabetics, as well as gluten free items. The store also stocks "retro-candy" (remember Cracker Jacks, Necco Waffers, Sugar Daddys, Mojos and Kookoos?).

For the really brave, why not try a sucker with a scorpion in it. One of my favourites, beside the Mojos, is the Scorchers. It's a hard candy with a touch of cayenne pepper. It starts off hot but then the sugar in the candy takes over and the different flavours is intense.

Don't take my word for it. Head over to the Hamilton Farmers Market location at 55 York Blvd or to the new store at 782 King St. W.

Determining Fly Sex

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. 'Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

Simple,he responded,

3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

Hell Has Frozen Over

Two guys from Thunder Bay die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops
in to check on them and sees them dressed in heavy coats, mittens and hats
warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you
doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, ya know, we're from Thunder Bay, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya
know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed
in heavy coats, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully
hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from
Thunder Bay, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
to warm up a little bit, ya know."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys.
He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and
screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Thunder Bay are
and finds them in light jackets and hats, grillin walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you
two seem to be enjoying yourself."

The two men reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Thunder Bay, we've just got to have a fish fry when the
weather's this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been
cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
Icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are
unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two lads. He gets
there and finds them back in their coats, hats, and mittens. They are
jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong
with you two?"

The boys from Thunder Bay look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't ya know, if
hell has frozen over that must mean the Hamilton Tiger Cats have won the Grey Cup!"

---

Don't get mad. It's all in fun. I'm a die-hard Cat fan myself.

Hamilton And The L.R.T.

When I decided to start another blog, one of the decisions I made was to not get on a political rant. Unfortunately, a certain news announcement has caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end.

It was recently announced that Hamilton was to be a part of the new "L.R.T." with a line stretching from MacMaster in the west end all the way to Centennial Parkway (Hy 20) in the east end. It is estimated that the the L.R.T. will cost in the neighbourhood of several billion (You read it right, billion) dollars. This cost also factors in Toronto and everywhere in between.

My problem with this is a number of things. If Hamilton city counsel is so anxious to spend taxpayers money on something, I have a few suggestions.

1. Hamilton city streets - A recent poll was started by the Automobile Association called "The Worst Roads in Ontario" (or something to that effect) and Hamilton had a few streets on that list. How would it be that instead of "wasting" the money on another lame idea, Hamilton fixes its roads.




2. Hamilton city sewers - Every time it rains to some extent, peoples basements flood causing thousands of dollars. Sewers back up onto roads, lawns, in the parks, etc., etc., etc. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the sewer system needs an overhaul.




3. Hamilton water pipes - In the last 5 years, there has been at least 2 main water lines have burst due to the age of said pipes. Winter is coming up and I can't wait to see how many pipes are going to pop and create a giant roadside ice rink (Well, at least the roads will be useful for something).

That's just a quick list of "BETTER" things the money should be spent on.

Who am I to say though. I'm just a taxpayer who voted these people in. That's all.

The Oddest City Names in the World

Below is a list of some of the oddest place names on the planet. I can almost guarantee that there are some that are even worse than this but this is all I have to offer. For now.

1. Cockburn, Western Australia
   
   -Although this name is often pronounced "Coburn" by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word?




2. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
   -The Shetland Islands, pronounced "Sh[i]tland Islands" by the locals.




3. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
   -Locals just call this hill in Hawke's Bay "Taumata". Wonder why?




4. Muff, Ireland
   -They have a town called "Muff"? E"Muff" said.




5. Looneyville, Texas, U.S.
   -Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s.




6. Titty Hill, Sussex, England
   - I believe it's just north of the "naval" base.




7. Wetwang, Yorkshire, England
   - Not even going there (literally and figuratively).




8. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
   - Do you go here if you're from "Wetwang"?




9. Bald Knob, Arkansas, U.S.
   - Oh the shame of it all.




10. Hookersville, West Virginia
    - Where do I get my airfare for there?




11. Hell, Michigan, U.S.
    - And I thought war was hell.




12. Toad Suck, Arkansas, U.S.
    -With a name like that in Arkansas, explains a lot about Bill Clinton (Wonder if they got the name because of Monica?)




13. Middelfart, Denmark
    -Considering you can't fart out either cheek, it would have to come from the middle.




14. Horneytown, North Carolina, U.S.
    -
    Its proximity to Hookersville, West Virginia is no coincidence. One can only assume that, like Hookersville, the
    naming of Horneytown took place long before "horney" meant "aching for a hot piece of a$$" (notice the extra "e").




15. Whakapapa, New Zealand
    
    Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh"
    sound is pronounced "f". Say it out loud in the office and see what happens.

Sundat Sept. 21, 2008

In light of the number of visitor hits (or lack of) this blog has received, I believe it is time for a change.

Starting tomorrow (Monday September 22, 2008), instead of just using the date as the title I will put in an actual title.

Remarkable concept don't you think?

Friday Sept. 19th, 2008

The last time the Ti-Cats won the Grey Cup, Ron Lancaster was the head coach. That was in 1999.

I know. I worked security at Ivor Wynne at the time.

Ron Lancaster died yesterday from heart failure, a contributing factor of his lung cancer. He was only 69 years young.

Fans of the C.F.L., his family and his friends will miss the man known as "The Little General".

Tuesday Sept. 16th, 2008

One of the greatest joys a person with a computer will tell you is finding a new game or program for their computer. These days, you can find a lot of games relatively inexpensive. Some for as little as $5.00 or $6.00. Programs on the other hand can be very expensive. Depending on what the program is intended for, prices can reach into the hundreds or thousands of dollars.

You can always check out warez sites but I don't recommend that for two reasons. 1) It's illegal and 2) You can never tell if their are any hidden viruses, trojans or some sort of spyware hidden in the unlockers (keygens and such).

I found 2 sites that are ideal for those who are constantly looking for new and better programs or games. As a result of these sites, I have a few great games and the applications are not to be believed (Business Card Maker, Mahjong games, racing games, Wondershare Photo Story) It's actually the same site but with 2 different branches of the site.

The first is  Give Away Of The Day.com . There is a new program listed here every day for those who are looking for the perfect application in the business world or for just at home.

The second part is for gamers. While you can only download the games on Saturday and Sunday, the games are usually of the highest caliber. It is  Game Give Away Of The Day.com .

Both sites are free. There are no memberships required, and you don't pay for anything. The only thing you have to remember is that when a game or program is offered, you only have a certain amount of time to download it. After that, sorry about your luck.

Monday Sept. 15th, 2008

With new upgrades, patches and the many different versions to Windows, it's no wonder a person can get easily frustrated. I've been having a few problems with my own system lately and couldn't understand the reason behind it.

I have a P4 with Windows XP and service pack 2. It has a tendancy to slow down almost to a crawl when I try to download pictures, sound files and the like. It has been driving me nuts for the last little while. Until now.

I recently had a friend tell me about a Windows service pack 3 that will clear up all the problems on your computer system in about 3 minutes or less and it is simple to use.

I have added a picture of the service pack so you will know what to look for if you decide you want to give it a try. I know I'll be using it very shortly.

Thursday Sept. 11th, 2008

Since last night, this old boys life has been one big roller coaster. If it weren't for luck, plain and simple, I might be making funeral arrangements.

Some may have heard through  Jafo's Journal , my oldest son was hit by a car. The driver didn't even have the decency to stop and see if my son was alright. He just drove away.

He is ok though and was released from hospital this afternoon. Thank God.

Wednesday Sept. 10th, 2008

I'M A STRANGER HERE

(The Five Man Electrical Band)

Well I'm a stranger here on this place called Earth
and I was sent down here to discover the worth

Of your little blue planet, third from the sun
c'mon and show me what you've done

We've got the aeroplane, we got the automobile
we got skyscraping buildings made of glass and steel

We got synthetic food that nearly tastes real
and a little white pill that makes you feel

Heyyyyyy.... a whole lot better when you get out of bed
you take one in the morning for the long day ahead

We got everything everybody needs to survive,
surely the good life has arrived

I think your atmosphere is hurting my eyes
and your concrete mountains are blacking out the skies

Now I dont say that you've been telling me lies,
but why do I hear those children's cries?

I'm a stranger here - I'm just looking around

I see the aeroplanes carrying the bombs
why you even find people to drop them on

You know you cant keep what you take by force
but its only my first impression of course

Im a stranger here on your planet Earth

We got the rivers and the mountains
and the valleys and the trees

We got the birds in the sky
we got the fish in the sea

we got the.....

Ohhhhhh you crazy fools, dont you know you had it made?

You were living in paradise
but take it from one who knows

who knows the gates of heaven can close

I only pray that you take my advice
because paradise wont come twice

Well I'm a stranger here on this place called Earth
and I was sent down here to discover the worth

Of your little blue planet third from the sun

I think I'll go back home where I come from.

Tuesday Sept.9th, 2008

Since there is now an election set for Oct. 14th, I thought I would post this poem I found some time ago.

The Tax Poem

(At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!)

• Tax his land,
  tax his bed,
  
  Tax the table
  at which he's fed.




• Tax his tractor,
  tax his mule,
  
  Teach him taxes
  are the rule.




• Tax his work,
  tax his pay
  ,
  He works for peanuts
  anyway!






• Tax his cow,
  tax his goat,
  
  Tax his pants,
  Tax his coat.
  




• Tax his ties,
  tax his shirt,
  
  Tax his work,
  tax his dirt.





• Tax his tobacco,
  tax his drink,
  
  Tax him if he
  tries to think.





• Tax his cigars,
  tax his beers,
  
  If he cries
  tax his tears.





• Tax his car,
  tax his gas,
  
  Find other ways
  to tax his ass.





• Tax all he has
  then let him know
  
  That you won't be done
  till he has no dough.







• Tax his coffin,
  tax his grave,
  
  Tax the sod
  in which he's laid.





• Put these words
  upon his tomb,
  
  'Taxes drove me
  to my doom...'





• And when he's gone,
  do not relax,
  
  Its time to apply
  the inheritance tax.





• Accounts Receivable Tax
  
  Airline surcharge tax
  
  Airline Fuel Tax
  
  Airport Maintenance Tax
  
  Building Permit Tax
  
  Cigarette Tax
  
  Corporate Income Tax
  
  Death Tax
  
  Dog License Tax
  
  Drivng Permit Tax
  
  Excise Taxes
  
  Federal Income Tax
  Federal Unemployment(UI)
  
  Fishing License Tax
  
  Food License Tax
  Gasoline Tax (too much per litre)
  
  Gross Receipts Tax
  
  Health Tax
  
  Hunting License Tax
  
  Hydro Tax
  
  Inheritance Tax
  
  Interest Tax
  
  Liquor Tax
  
  Luxury Taxes
  
  Marriage License Tax
  
  Medicare Tax
  
  Mortgage Tax
  
  Personal Income Tax
  
  Property
  
  Poverty Tax
  
  Prescription Drug Tax
  
  Property Tax
  
  Provincial Income Tax
  
  Real Estate Tax
  
  Recreational Vehicle Tax
  
  Retail Sales Tax
  
  Service Charge Tax
  
  School Tax
  
  Telephone Federal Tax
  
  Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
  
  Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
  
  Vehicle License Registration Tax
  
  Vehicle Sales Tax
  
  Water Tax
  
  Watercraft Registration Tax
  
  Well Permit Tax
  
  Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation
was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle-class,
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?!?!?!?

Author Unknown.

Monday Sept., 8, 2008

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that'

---

Although I stated I wouldn't talk about anything too controversial, I just have to say it. Good-Bye Charlie Taaffe. Who's next though? Hmmmmmm.

Saturday Sept. 6th, 2008

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'




2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'




3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'




4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'




5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'




6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'




7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'




8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'




9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Friday Sept. 5th, 2008

Since I did say I was trained in the culinary arts, I have decided that maybe on Fridays I would post a recipe for meals that I have made in the past and am constantly getting requests for. This is one I learned a long time ago and not only is it easy to make but it is a family favourite.

Ed's Homemade Chili

Ingredients

• 1 Lb. lean ground beef


• 1 Lb. stewing beef (cut up small)


• 1-2 Lbs. fresh mushrooms (quartered)


• 3 stalks celery (sliced on the diagonal)


• 1 Red bell pepper (diced)


• 1 Green bell pepper (diced)


• 1 Yellow bell pepper (diced)


• 1 large spanish onion (chopped finely)


• 2 large cans stewed tomatoes


• 2 large cans kidney beans (drained and thoroughly rinsed)


• 3 tins tomato paste


• 1/4 cup cooking oil


• water


• chili powder *

*I don't tell you how much chili powder to use as everybodys tastes differ. That is also the reason why I haven't mentioned hot chili flakes, cayenne pepper or any of the various hot sauces on the market. You spice it up to your own liking.

Directions

• To start, heat oil in large stock pot, then cut stewing beef into bite size pieces,and add all meat to heated oil and cook for about 10 minutes on medium-high heat or untill cooked. Adding a dash or two of seasoned salt doesn't hurt.


• While meat is cooking, cut up the vegetables to desired size and once the meat has cooked, you just add the veggies to the meat.


• Now that you have the basics going, add the tomatoes.Next add the kidney beans along with the tomatoe paste.


• Add enough water to cover it about 1/2 inch to an inch above mixture.


• At this point, you add whatever spices you like. Make it as hot as you can stand as long as you don't have to worry about feeding it to any kids. I usually just add store bought chili powders and add untill it tastes like a chili that wouldn't burn the arse off a dragon.


• Once you have the desired taste, cover the pot and simmer for 3-4 hours on a medium-low heat and add water when necessary to keep from sticking to the pot ( at this point, you may want to keep an eye on the taste.Sometimes the water may dilute the flavour and you may have to re-season it).

If you try this recipe out, I hope you enjoy it.

Thursday Sept. 4th, 2008

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS

Garden Grass Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had
warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower at the time, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had suffered a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants who rushed in, would not listen to his protests They loaded him onto a stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now,the snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with the world.

A short time later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.