Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Determining Fly Sex

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. 'Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

Simple,he responded,

3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Hell Has Frozen Over

Two guys from Thunder Bay die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops
in to check on them and sees them dressed in heavy coats, mittens and hats
warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you
doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, ya know, we're from Thunder Bay, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed
in heavy coats, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully
hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from
Thunder Bay, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
to warm up a little bit, ya know."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys.
He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and
screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Thunder Bay are
and finds them in light jackets and hats, grillin walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you
two seem to be enjoying yourself."

The two men reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Thunder Bay, we've just got to have a fish fry when the
weather's this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been
cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
Icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are
unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two lads. He gets
there and finds them back in their coats, hats, and mittens. They are
jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong
with you two?"

The boys from Thunder Bay look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't ya know, if
hell has frozen over that must mean the Hamilton Tiger Cats have won the Grey Cup!"

Don't get mad. It's all in fun. I'm a die-hard Cat fan myself.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hamilton And The L.R.T.

When I decided to start another blog, one of the decisions I made was to not get on a political rant. Unfortunately, a certain news announcement has caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end.

It was recently announced that Hamilton was to be a part of the new "L.R.T." with a line stretching from MacMaster in the west end all the way to Centennial Parkway (Hy 20) in the east end. It is estimated that the the L.R.T. will cost in the neighbourhood of several billion (You read it right, billion) dollars. This cost also factors in Toronto and everywhere in between.

My problem with this is a number of things. If Hamilton city counsel is so anxious to spend taxpayers money on something, I have a few suggestions.

  1. Hamilton city streets - A recent poll was started by the Automobile Association called "The Worst Roads in Ontario" (or something to that effect) and Hamilton had a few streets on that list. How would it be that instead of "wasting" the money on another lame idea, Hamilton fixes its roads.

  2. Hamilton city sewers - Every time it rains to some extent, peoples basements flood causing thousands of dollars. Sewers back up onto roads, lawns, in the parks, etc., etc., etc. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the sewer system needs an overhaul.

  3. Hamilton water pipes - In the last 5 years, there has been at least 2 main water lines have burst due to the age of said pipes. Winter is coming up and I can't wait to see how many pipes are going to pop and create a giant roadside ice rink (Well, at least the roads will be useful for something).

That's just a quick list of "BETTER" things the money should be spent on.

Who am I to say though. I'm just a taxpayer who voted these people in. That's all.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Oddest City Names in the World

Below is a list of some of the oddest place names on the planet. I can almost guarantee that there are some that are even worse than this but this is all I have to offer. For now.

  1. Cockburn, Western Australia

    -Although this name is often pronounced "Coburn" by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word?

  2. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
    -The Shetland Islands, pronounced "Sh[i]tland Islands" by the locals.

  3. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
    -Locals just call this hill in Hawke's Bay "Taumata". Wonder why?

  4. Muff, Ireland
    -They have a town called "Muff"? E"Muff" said.

  5. Looneyville, Texas, U.S.
    -Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s.

  6. Titty Hill, Sussex, England
    - I believe it's just north of the "naval" base.

  7. Wetwang, Yorkshire, England
    - Not even going there (literally and figuratively).

  8. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
    - Do you go here if you're from "Wetwang"?

  9. Bald Knob, Arkansas, U.S.
    - Oh the shame of it all.

  10. Hookersville, West Virginia
    - Where do I get my airfare for there?

  11. Hell, Michigan, U.S.
    - And I thought war was hell.

  12. Toad Suck, Arkansas, U.S.
    -With a name like that in Arkansas, explains a lot about Bill Clinton (Wonder if they got the name because of Monica?)

  13. Middelfart, Denmark
    -Considering you can't fart out either cheek, it would have to come from the middle.

  14. Horneytown, North Carolina, U.S.
    Its proximity to Hookersville, West Virginia is no coincidence. One can only assume that, like Hookersville, the
    naming of Horneytown took place long before "horney" meant "aching for a hot piece of a$$" (notice the extra "e").

  15. Whakapapa, New Zealand

    Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh"
    sound is pronounced "f". Say it out loud in the office and see what happens.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sundat Sept. 21, 2008

In light of the number of visitor hits (or lack of) this blog has received, I believe it is time for a change.

Starting tomorrow (Monday September 22, 2008), instead of just using the date as the title I will put in an actual title.

Remarkable concept don't you think?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Sept. 19th, 2008

The last time the Ti-Cats won the Grey Cup, Ron Lancaster was the head coach. That was in 1999.

I know. I worked security at Ivor Wynne at the time.

Ron Lancaster died yesterday from heart failure, a contributing factor of his lung cancer. He was only 69 years young.

Fans of the C.F.L., his family and his friends will miss the man known as "The Little General".

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Tuesday Sept. 16th, 2008

One of the greatest joys a person with a computer will tell you is finding a new game or program for their computer. These days, you can find a lot of games relatively inexpensive. Some for as little as $5.00 or $6.00. Programs on the other hand can be very expensive. Depending on what the program is intended for, prices can reach into the hundreds or thousands of dollars.

You can always check out warez sites but I don't recommend that for two reasons. 1) It's illegal and 2) You can never tell if their are any hidden viruses, trojans or some sort of spyware hidden in the unlockers (keygens and such).

I found 2 sites that are ideal for those who are constantly looking for new and better programs or games. As a result of these sites, I have a few great games and the applications are not to be believed (Business Card Maker, Mahjong games, racing games, Wondershare Photo Story) It's actually the same site but with 2 different branches of the site.

The first is  Give Away Of The Day.com . There is a new program listed here every day for those who are looking for the perfect application in the business world or for just at home.

The second part is for gamers. While you can only download the games on Saturday and Sunday, the games are usually of the highest caliber. It is  Game Give Away Of The Day.com .

Both sites are free. There are no memberships required, and you don't pay for anything. The only thing you have to remember is that when a game or program is offered, you only have a certain amount of time to download it. After that, sorry about your luck.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Monday Sept. 15th, 2008

With new upgrades, patches and the many different versions to Windows, it's no wonder a person can get easily frustrated. I've been having a few problems with my own system lately and couldn't understand the reason behind it.

I have a P4 with Windows XP and service pack 2. It has a tendancy to slow down almost to a crawl when I try to download pictures, sound files and the like. It has been driving me nuts for the last little while. Until now.

I recently had a friend tell me about a Windows service pack 3 that will clear up all the problems on your computer system in about 3 minutes or less and it is simple to use.

I have added a picture of the service pack so you will know what to look for if you decide you want to give it a try. I know I'll be using it very shortly.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thursday Sept. 11th, 2008

Since last night, this old boys life has been one big roller coaster. If it weren't for luck, plain and simple, I might be making funeral arrangements.

Some may have heard through  Jafo's Journal , my oldest son was hit by a car. The driver didn't even have the decency to stop and see if my son was alright. He just drove away.

He is ok though and was released from hospital this afternoon. Thank God.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wednesday Sept. 10th, 2008


(The Five Man Electrical Band)

Well I'm a stranger here on this place called Earth
and I was sent down here to discover the worth

Of your little blue planet, third from the sun
c'mon and show me what you've done

We've got the aeroplane, we got the automobile
we got skyscraping buildings made of glass and steel

We got synthetic food that nearly tastes real
and a little white pill that makes you feel

Heyyyyyy.... a whole lot better when you get out of bed
you take one in the morning for the long day ahead

We got everything everybody needs to survive,
surely the good life has arrived

I think your atmosphere is hurting my eyes
and your concrete mountains are blacking out the skies

Now I dont say that you've been telling me lies,
but why do I hear those children's cries?

I'm a stranger here - I'm just looking around

I see the aeroplanes carrying the bombs
why you even find people to drop them on

You know you cant keep what you take by force
but its only my first impression of course

Im a stranger here on your planet Earth

We got the rivers and the mountains
and the valleys and the trees

We got the birds in the sky
we got the fish in the sea

we got the.....

Ohhhhhh you crazy fools, dont you know you had it made?

You were living in paradise
but take it from one who knows

who knows the gates of heaven can close

I only pray that you take my advice
because paradise wont come twice

Well I'm a stranger here on this place called Earth
and I was sent down here to discover the worth

Of your little blue planet third from the sun

I think I'll go back home where I come from.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tuesday Sept.9th, 2008

Since there is now an election set for Oct. 14th, I thought I would post this poem I found some time ago.

The Tax Poem

(At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!)

  • Tax his land,
    tax his bed,

    Tax the table
    at which he's fed.

  • Tax his tractor,
    tax his mule,

    Teach him taxes
    are the rule.

  • Tax his work,
    tax his pay
    He works for peanuts

  • Tax his cow,
    tax his goat,

    Tax his pants,
    Tax his coat.

  • Tax his ties,
    tax his shirt,

    Tax his work,
    tax his dirt.

  • Tax his tobacco,
    tax his drink,

    Tax him if he
    tries to think.

  • Tax his cigars,
    tax his beers,

    If he cries
    tax his tears.

  • Tax his car,
    tax his gas,

    Find other ways
    to tax his ass.

  • Tax all he has
    then let him know

    That you won't be done
    till he has no dough.

  • Tax his coffin,
    tax his grave,

    Tax the sod
    in which he's laid.

  • Put these words
    upon his tomb,

    'Taxes drove me
    to my doom...'

  • And when he's gone,
    do not relax,

    Its time to apply
    the inheritance tax.

  • Accounts Receivable Tax

    Airline surcharge tax

    Airline Fuel Tax

    Airport Maintenance Tax

    Building Permit Tax

    Cigarette Tax

    Corporate Income Tax

    Death Tax

    Dog License Tax

    Drivng Permit Tax

    Excise Taxes

    Federal Income Tax
    Federal Unemployment(UI)

    Fishing License Tax

    Food License Tax
    Gasoline Tax (too much per litre)

    Gross Receipts Tax

    Health Tax

    Hunting License Tax

    Hydro Tax

    Inheritance Tax

    Interest Tax

    Liquor Tax

    Luxury Taxes

    Marriage License Tax

    Medicare Tax

    Mortgage Tax

    Personal Income Tax


    Poverty Tax

    Prescription Drug Tax

    Property Tax

    Provincial Income Tax

    Real Estate Tax

    Recreational Vehicle Tax

    Retail Sales Tax

    Service Charge Tax

    School Tax

    Telephone Federal Tax

    Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes

    Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax

    Vehicle License Registration Tax

    Vehicle Sales Tax

    Water Tax

    Watercraft Registration Tax

    Well Permit Tax

    Workers Compensation Tax


Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation
was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle-class,
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?!?!?!?

Author Unknown.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Monday Sept., 8, 2008

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that'

Although I stated I wouldn't talk about anything too controversial, I just have to say it. Good-Bye Charlie Taaffe. Who's next though? Hmmmmmm.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Saturday Sept. 6th, 2008

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

  1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

  2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

  3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

  4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

  5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

  6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

  7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

  8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

  9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Friday, September 5, 2008

Friday Sept. 5th, 2008

Since I did say I was trained in the culinary arts, I have decided that maybe on Fridays I would post a recipe for meals that I have made in the past and am constantly getting requests for. This is one I learned a long time ago and not only is it easy to make but it is a family favourite.

Ed's Homemade Chili


  • 1 Lb. lean ground beef

  • 1 Lb. stewing beef (cut up small)

  • 1-2 Lbs. fresh mushrooms (quartered)

  • 3 stalks celery (sliced on the diagonal)

  • 1 Red bell pepper (diced)

  • 1 Green bell pepper (diced)

  • 1 Yellow bell pepper (diced)

  • 1 large spanish onion (chopped finely)

  • 2 large cans stewed tomatoes

  • 2 large cans kidney beans (drained and thoroughly rinsed)

  • 3 tins tomato paste

  • 1/4 cup cooking oil

  • water

  • chili powder *

*I don't tell you how much chili powder to use as everybodys tastes differ. That is also the reason why I haven't mentioned hot chili flakes, cayenne pepper or any of the various hot sauces on the market. You spice it up to your own liking.


  • To start, heat oil in large stock pot, then cut stewing beef into bite size pieces,and add all meat to heated oil and cook for about 10 minutes on medium-high heat or untill cooked. Adding a dash or two of seasoned salt doesn't hurt.

  • While meat is cooking, cut up the vegetables to desired size and once the meat has cooked, you just add the veggies to the meat.

  • Now that you have the basics going, add the tomatoes.Next add the kidney beans along with the tomatoe paste.

  • Add enough water to cover it about 1/2 inch to an inch above mixture.

  • At this point, you add whatever spices you like. Make it as hot as you can stand as long as you don't have to worry about feeding it to any kids. I usually just add store bought chili powders and add untill it tastes like a chili that wouldn't burn the arse off a dragon.

  • Once you have the desired taste, cover the pot and simmer for 3-4 hours on a medium-low heat and add water when necessary to keep from sticking to the pot ( at this point, you may want to keep an eye on the taste.Sometimes the water may dilute the flavour and you may have to re-season it).

If you try this recipe out, I hope you enjoy it.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Thursday Sept. 4th, 2008


Garden Grass Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had
warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower at the time, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had suffered a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants who rushed in, would not listen to his protests They loaded him onto a stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now,the snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with the world.

A short time later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when he shot her.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Wednesday, Sept. 3, 2008

Well, it has been awhile since I posted anything and as I stated in the post below, none of the stuff going on here will be political in nature. There will be jokes, quizzes, tidbits from my daily life and seeing I am trained in the culinary arts, I may even post a recipe or two.

So here we go with the first of what I hope will be many, many posts.

These are from a book called "Disorder In The American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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